Those of you who follow me via twitter (which synchs to my Facebook status unless I’m directly replying to somebody, so you might have seen me there too), will know that in recent days I’ve been rather annoyed with Carphone Warehouse.

All I can say is, I really can’t suggest you buy anything from them if you’re in a hurry. Their incompetence is worthy of superlatives I can’t come up with right now. I don’t normally do “bitch posts” here, but I know a lot of people reading this are UK-based and thinking about mobile broadband. Here’s the story of why you should deal directly with the network, or at the very least be careful as to which dealer you choose.

Certainly, it would seem, Carphone Warehouse’s online ordering system is pants, especially if you want to pick up in-store. It just quite clearly doesn’t work.

Anyway, I’m spending more time on the road now than I have in recent years. I need to stay connected online even outside of the range of WiFi, and I’ve been hearing good things about three’s USB modem. I only need about 1Gb/month on the road (all my heavier data transfers can wait until I’m home), so the £10/month is less than what I was spending on WiFi in coffee shops anyway, plus the coverage was wider, even in WiFi-saturated Manchester.

I’ve been a CPW customer now for about 8 years. Before that I dealt directly with the network, and before that with CPW again. They have very occasionally mucked me about, but it’s always been resolved with one phone call. I figured it would be smooth-sailing. Here’s what happened:

Day 1

Jumped on their website in the evening, found the package I wanted and ordered it.

I knew I was going to be on client sites the next day and Citylink (who CPW use) are notorious for turning up at random times of the day, and if you miss them you end up having to go to the depot in the middle of nowhere (unlike Parcelforce, say) with 87,236,538,475 form of ID, plus letters from all your family, friends, lovers (ex- and otherwise), dead grandparents, etc. to confirm you are who you say you are. Thoughtfully, CPW offered to deliver the modem to my nearest branch. Living in the city centre, that seemed reasonable, and they offered me the branch on Cross Street, 10 minutes walk away. Nice.

Day 2

I get a tracking ID sent after it’s been dispatched both via e-mail and to my O2 mobile. Fine.

Day 3

I notice it’s now been delivered at the store. I needed to go to a client site in the morning, but on the way back I’d swing around and pick it up.

On doing so, the guy in store had a problem closing the transaction. He picked up the phone. He tried putting the contract through a couple of times. He asked me to verify the company chip and pin card. Twice.

Eventually, he tells me I can leave the store with the modem, that “the eOrders guys didn’t set the transaction up right” but that it would be resolved that day.

“It will work within 24 hours”, he assures me.

That evening, I spend a fair bit of time just trying to get OS X to see the thing. The guides three give you border on the useless through mild contradiction in places. If I hadn’t worked in the ISP industry and therefore knew what PPP and setting up modem drivers was about, I honestly think I would have struggled to get that far.

Day 4

It gets to 4pm. Every time I try and connect, it sits there “authenticating” and then disconnecting complaining about being unable to establish a connection to the PPP server. I used to run PPP and Radius setups, so I know what this probably means: the modem hasn’t been activated.

I phone three’s USB modem tech support direct. They plug in the phone number, the IMEI, my name, my postcode, and there’s nothing there. They’ve never heard of me. “Phone CPW”, they say.

I go on hold over at CPW for 15 minutes. “You need to verify your chip and pin card”, they tell me. I explain I have already. They tell me it’s not gone through, I need to take the modem back and get it sorted.

Day 5

Back to the same store. Young girl looks a bit confused at the terminal for a bit, does the verification and tells me that in closing the transaction they’ve added insurance. Ah, the insurance. Actually, that’s almost useful - on my O2 phone I’ve had to do a claim and from losing my phone to getting a new handset in my hand for just a £30 excess, the process took 4 hours. I’d regret it if I didn’t take it and then needed it one day, but narked they’ve just “added it”.

She hands me everything back: “It’ll work in 24 hours”.

Day 6

It’s still not working. I phone up three. They still haven’t heard of me. I phone up CPW. “It takes 24 hours”, they say. “It’s now 26 hours”, I reply. They look at something. “Ah, it didn’t go through until very late last night. Try again in the morning”, they answer.

Day 7

Guess what? It’s still not working. I’m busy so I leave it until later in the evening.

I phone three. They still have no idea who I could be. I phone CPW. You’ll never guess what the suggestion is next.

“You need to go back to the store and then verify your chip and pin”. I point out I’ve done this a total of 3 times already. They go away and look at something and put me on hold for 20 minutes. They phone three.

“Your details still haven’t been sent over”, is the conclusion. I’d guessed that bit. “What we’re going to do to trigger it again is ask you to go back to the store, and we’ll do a refund and resale. Sorry about the inconvenience, but there’s nothing we can do”.

By now I’m thinking maybe it would be quicker if I just saved up my loose coppers and bought my own 3G phone license and network. I’ve certainly decided this is their last chance: if I don’t get a satisfactory result on this trip, I’m done with them.

Day 8

The same girl who served me on day 5 is there. She recognises me. She confirms she’s spoken to CPW and basically think they’re being odd. I tell her that they said there was some note on the account as to how she could fix it right now. She goes and looks.

Somebody is looking over her shoulder. “I’ll need to do a refund here”, she says. The onlooker mentions a credit note. “That’s it, there”. Looks like they’re learning something new.

After a few minutes, she actually cheers and raises her fist in the air. “Yeah, we’ve got it sorted. Give me one minute”. Her enthusiasm makes me smile - she does actually seem to care about the mess they’ve put me through.

She takes my modem and puts it to one side and gives me a brand new modem. She prints out contracts - including the insurance - and I sign them. She puts everything in a bag.

“Let me guess”, I say with a slight grin on my face, “it’ll be working in about 24 hours?”

“Yes, should do”, she answers.

That was 3 hours ago. We’ll wait and see what happens tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.